Let Me Off This Ride!

I’m finally feeling reasonably human again after this round of chemo. Maybe it was just that I was feeling so good and the shock of it was greater. Maybe the month off cleared so much of the previously ingested toxins out of my system that it really just hit me harder.

I took my first dose on Tuesday, by Friday night I was constantly nauseous – in spite of my efforts to stay ahead of it with my anti-nausea medicine. I couldn’t eat more than saltines – even my ‘go to’ toast with PB was disgusting. I couldn’t open the fridge without gagging. I already have super smell (NOT a super power it turns out), but this goes way beyond my normal sensitivity. I was exhausted, my mind was foggy. Every time I tried to do something – say shower – I needed to lay down after. I spent Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, and most of Monday in bed aside from brief forays outside or to the kitchen to refill my water bottle.

My husband became a single father and did an amazing job. The kids were anxious and worried – though they didn’t say it outright – and it showed in their behavior. He handled it beautifully – keeping them busy, teaching them lessons of why you shouldn’t beat on your sibling, giving them space to feel whatever they were feeling. All while keeping his cool and taking care of me – mostly just letting me sleep/wallow in my nausea.

It wasn’t fun. I don’t really want to do it again. I will if it means keeping the beast locked behind a door, but I don’t want to.

I wonder what the REAL definition is when the doctor says you ‘tolerate’ Temodar well. Does he mean it creates the ‘normal’ level of hell or does he mean it doesn’t kill you? I’ll have to ask him when we see him again on the 15th in preparation for the next steps.

Until then, I’m going to eat a lot to try to regain the weight I’ve lost (never thought I’d say that), enjoy the beautiful weather, hug my kids a lot, kiss my husband, and relish some glorious between days.

3 thoughts on “Let Me Off This Ride!

  1. Yep- you are handling this with the same poise, grace and strength that comes through in all of your posts. A lot of people would fold. I don’t know you but I know enough from your posts to be confident that you will continue to handle all of this like a champion. Your kids see your strength and are learning valuable life lessons about family, love and character. You will feel better soon.

  2. Oh Karyn,
    I agree you are doing your part in a big, big, way, and I’m sure your family sees the quiet warrior that you are. Advice probably unwanted, but I went through such nausea, I feel compelled…The intravenous administration of anit-nausea med. was so much more helpful to me, but I know that brings up the vein issue. I hope this current effect ends today! and you’ll be free soon to enjoy your time off. I would love to come visit you when the time is OK.

    Jean

  3. I think that doctors forget sometimes of the effects on the patient. I know when I got admitted to Stanford, they did an amazing job diagnosing and providing life saving treatment, but later when I felt I had lost my mind – literally, could no longer comprehend my normal next steps at work, operated in such a fog, couldn’t remember things and felt like I was in a weird state of unpredictable and inappropriate road rage, I definitely got the attitude of – what? You are alive, you can stand up without passing out, what more could you possibly want. Hopefully they can help you with alternatives that will make you feel better, And for know, take comfort that you have such an amazing husband who can do these things for you because you deserve it.

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