I’m finally feeling reasonably human again after this round of chemo. Maybe it was just that I was feeling so good and the shock of it was greater. Maybe the month off cleared so much of the previously ingested toxins out of my system that it really just hit me harder.
I took my first dose on Tuesday, by Friday night I was constantly nauseous – in spite of my efforts to stay ahead of it with my anti-nausea medicine. I couldn’t eat more than saltines – even my ‘go to’ toast with PB was disgusting. I couldn’t open the fridge without gagging. I already have super smell (NOT a super power it turns out), but this goes way beyond my normal sensitivity. I was exhausted, my mind was foggy. Every time I tried to do something – say shower – I needed to lay down after. I spent Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, and most of Monday in bed aside from brief forays outside or to the kitchen to refill my water bottle.
My husband became a single father and did an amazing job. The kids were anxious and worried – though they didn’t say it outright – and it showed in their behavior. He handled it beautifully – keeping them busy, teaching them lessons of why you shouldn’t beat on your sibling, giving them space to feel whatever they were feeling. All while keeping his cool and taking care of me – mostly just letting me sleep/wallow in my nausea.
It wasn’t fun. I don’t really want to do it again. I will if it means keeping the beast locked behind a door, but I don’t want to.
I wonder what the REAL definition is when the doctor says you ‘tolerate’ Temodar well. Does he mean it creates the ‘normal’ level of hell or does he mean it doesn’t kill you? I’ll have to ask him when we see him again on the 15th in preparation for the next steps.
Until then, I’m going to eat a lot to try to regain the weight I’ve lost (never thought I’d say that), enjoy the beautiful weather, hug my kids a lot, kiss my husband, and relish some glorious between days.