Just Another 80’s Mixed Tape

I had my pre-chemo appointment today. My platelets are right back down into the 80’s. Apparently my body is sensitive to the Temodar…as if 3 days in bed the last round didn’t tell me that.

The doctor will be giving some thought to what we do next. Reduce my dose or discontinue altogether. Either way, I’ll continue in the vaccine trial.

I have very mixed emotions about discontinuing. On the plus side, I’d probably start to feel pretty awesome – thinking more clearly, having more energy, feeling less sick and more alive. On the down side, I might feel like I wasn’t being as proactive as I could be to keep the beast locked away. Would I spend more time worrying about it coming back, watching everything I say, think, or do for ‘signs’ of tumor recurrence. Would that anxiety be worth the cost of not being sick in bed 3 days a month?

In light of Angelina Jolie’s revelation about her preventative double mastectomy – I have to admit that if there was something I could do to predict my risks and proactively reduce those risks dramatically, I’d do it in a heartbeat. That’s easy for me to say, however, when I’m not actually faced with the decision. But with brain cancer, with a GBM specifically, there is no gene test (yet). There is no preventative surgery. Those of us with brain tumors chase them constantly, in whatever way we have available to us, trying desperately to catch up and get in front of them – to lock them behind a door that can hopefully never be unlocked. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. But we continue to fight and we hope.

Would stopping Temodar make me feel like I stopped fighting? Or would it ultimately make me stronger and more capable of fighting?


2 thoughts on “Just Another 80’s Mixed Tape

  1. Dearest Karyn – I know this may not help, but in Art of Living we talk about how “just being with the question” is in itself very peaceful and rewarding and a step in the right direction. Blessings to you, as your journey of health continues….

  2. You will figure out what is best for you. Thinking of you and enjoying, if that’s the right word, your thoughtful and humorous posts.

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