The Benefits Of A Brain Tumor

First, let me assure you that I’ve not gone crazy. But I was talking to a few people about acquaintances who have had their primary cancer spread to other parts of their bodies (including their brains) and I started thinking about the finer qualities of having a primary brain tumor. Here are my top ten benefits of a brain tumor:

1. A primary brain tumor doesn’t spread. It only attacks the brain. It may come back time and time again, but it won’t move  to your lungs, liver, bones, etc… Other cancers may develop outside your brain, but it won’t be because of your brain tumor.

2. The chemotherapy for a primary brain tumor comes in the form of a pill. This means that there are no daily trips for hours of infusion therapy. You still feel like a truck has hit you, but you don’t need to leave the comfort of your own toilet AND you won’t lose your hair! Thank goodness for the blood-brain barrier, right?

3. Radiation treatment however, WILL cause you to lose your hair – giving you multiple opportunities to explain and make up wacky stories about the strange baldness in random places on your head. For instance, ‘My cat has a fondness for hair.’

4. With radiation treatment, you will receive a free mask. You can use it for your latest Super Hero costume!

5. Fear of needles? Hah! Not any more. You’ll now watch with interest as they struggle to find a vein that will cooperate. You’ll barely flinch as the dig around with that needle to find a clear path to your blood. You’ll be given an honorary certificate in phlebotomy.

6. You can use your craniotomy scar to freak the hell out of people. For instance, apply some fake blood before you head to the grocery store and act like you don’t notice. When someone asks if you’re ok, you can look straight into their eyes and say, ‘Yes, of course. Why do you ask?’

7. You can leverage people’s general lack of knowledge about brain tumors and shock them with the facts, watching them trying to process the immensity of the problem and desperately search for the ‘right’ thing to say. Tell them that THEY can do something to help by spreading the word and donate to National Brain Tumor Society.

8. You can live in constant suspense, like Clarice in Silence of the Lambs. Will she survive? Will someone come to save her, just in time? Will she put lotion on her skin? A monster is lurking and can strike at any moment. Fun!

9. Multiple experiences in an MRI machine will act like immersion therapy and cure you of any claustrophobia you may have had prior to getting a brain tumor. You’ll also develop incredible self-discipline, learning to keep your eyes closed for extended periods, fighting the urge to open them, just for a peek. You’ll also learn to make itches disappear right before your closed eyes!

10. You can point out to people the irony that radiation treatment for your brain tumor MAY cause brain tumors. Then laugh hysterically.

See? Having a brain tumor isn’t ALL that bad. However, I’d still dissuade you from getting one.

There really aren’t any benefits, but sometimes you need to laugh and appreciate the ridiculousness of the experience.


8 thoughts on “The Benefits Of A Brain Tumor

  1. Pingback: The Benefits Of A Brain Tumor | hopeforheather

  2. Oh so true!! Well put, on every front!! Glad you have your incredible writing ability and sense of humor in fine style!

  3. Reblogged this on middlekingdom1of10boyz and commented:
    Those who have had or still do have brain tumors seem to have an odd sense of humor. I am so lucky that MY brain tumor was so much more “friendly” than the average brain tumor. I have often said if you have to have a brain tumor and you get to choose which one, chose the Acoustic Neuroma.

  4. It is always fantastic to read your blogs. Thanks so much for sharing to tumour … doh! Meant humour … ;~)
    It is al about perspective in the end (re: coping with this alien life form), and yours just put a big smile on my face. My tumour in a bottle has not made a return, but I had a seizure last month (the first in 2 years) to keep me on my toes and to ensure that I met twice a day with my Epilim (Sodium Valporate) tablets. Apart from it giving my wife a great scare, it somehow knocked my shoulder sideways and I have a jolt of pain every now and then. But it will come back to full functioning – – soon I hope!

    Take care of yourself and your funny bone!

    • Just when life seems normal, your brain reminds you that there’s still a fight going on. I’m sorry about the seizure and your shoulder. Hopefully the seizure will be the last.

      Keep up the good fight!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s